Since then, I've been stressing about the GREs. I took the general test October 21 and it was fine. Not as good as it COULD have been, but just fine. Since then I've been freaking out about the math subject test.
Y'all, I am so stressed about this test. I have never been more deep down upset about a test in my life. I think it's because I've never set myself up for abject failure before, and it's rubbing my psyche raw. I'm used to excelling. I like excelling. I have even developed, over the years, a really good sense of good enough because I have come to honestly know that my good enough is better than most people's really really good, so I don't have to torture myself to get my own perfect. I hope that comes across correctly and not totally full of myself.
But I am, simply, unqualified to take this test. And it's ok. Because the program I'm applying to says very clearly that while this test is required it is used for diagnostic purposes, not admissions, and I can spin myself golden in the personal statement. I'm not 100% sure I'll be admitted, but I don't think this test is going to be the make-or-break. I know this, but even so I am being physically twisted and bent by the stress of knowing, objectively, that I'm not skilled enough to take this test but I am going to do it anyway. Random nausea, headaches, emotionally labile, distracted, the whole nine yards.
I was feeling ok until Sunday night, when a curtain lifted and I realized that a whole bunch of problems that I thought were level 1 problems are actually level 3 problems written to look like level 1 problems. I'm not at level 3. I can sort of fake level 1. I got so demoralized.
I had set a goal in my head, and it's waaay low objectively, but it would have been ok for me. I got invested in that goal. Now I think it might be much too high. And I'm making myself sick over this. Literally. I dream about derivatives.
Last night at 1am I woke up sweaty with a hot steel poker running down my right optic nerve. I stumbled out of bed and took some medicine, cursing my night owl husband who had made the world's stinkiest frozen pizza. It was the foulest stench imaginable to me right then. I tried to lay very still for a while, but the pain didn't fade. I stumbled into the dark bathroom and took a timeless hot shower. I was asleep on my feet. I remember thinking over and over again that I couldn't sit down (like I usually would in a hot headache relieving shower) because I would go to sleep and drown and wouldn't that be an embarassing way to die, and poor Theo who would have to find me. So I stayed under the spray on my feet. Eventually I stumbled back to bed.
I skipped exercise class this morning, and while I know it would be good for me to go, I just wanted to stay in bed for that hour. *sigh*
Just a few more days, and then it will be out of my hands. Then I'm going to put it all away for at least a week before I start writing the application.
In happier news, there are a bunch of new photos up at picasa. Click on this amazing shot of K on Halloween to go to the album and see them all!
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| From Fall 09 |
She LOVED ToTing. They only went to like three houses and she came back with all of six pieces of candy, but oh the frabjous joy! "MAMA, I got candy! Dis one a M+M candy. Dis one a golden candy. Dis one a ... What dis one is? ... Dis one a red skittles candy..."
Let's end with a quote that I don't think made it to facebook:
"Kitty, let's go eat dinner."
"Yes! Because I want to grow big and stwong and heafwy so dat I can drink wiiiiiiine!"
"Well, not until you are all grown up."
"When I'm three?"
"No, not even when you're three. When you're twenty one you can have some wine."
(Theo in the background: Wow, I was going to say ten, but 21, ok.)
"No, when I'm twenty niiiiiiiine. DEN I will get to drink wiiiine."
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